52 Ancestors Week 9: Family Secret

this week’s theme is “family secret.”   Tips on sharing the deep dark secret and setting it free.

Every family has its stories, the tales passed down through generations, embellished with each retelling. But what happens when a story isn't told? What happens when a secret, carefully guarded and whispered only in hushed tones, finally comes to light?

You already know mine by reading Surprise, DNA Edition, Letters, and bits from the Migration posts.  But, as a professional genealogist, over the years, I have had my fair share of secrets that I've discovered and discussed with clients.  This is never an easy conversation.  In all my years, when I say I have a secret to tell you about.... it's not that you are directly related to a famous cousin but rather your cousin might be closer than a cousin.

The ethnicity estimate, from the Ancestry.com DNA test, was interesting enough, confirming some family lore and debunking others. But it was the "DNA Relatives" section that truly caught my attention. There, listed alongside distant cousins I'd never heard of, was a name that didn't belong. A name with a significantly higher percentage of shared DNA than a distant relative should have. 

To help understand what to do with a surprise in your DNA Test, I've put together a few tips that worked for me.  There are still times that I get angry or sad or incredibly frustrated because one side of the story is not being told but I always remember:  Let the skelton out of the closet to dance.

Click on Read More to read the tips on sharing your family secret....

Sharing a DNA-revealed family secret requires sensitivity, empathy, and careful consideration. It's not a one-size-fits-all situation, and the best approach depends on the specific secret, the people involved, and their relationships. Here's a guide to help you navigate this delicate process:

1. Process Your Own Emotions First:

• Acknowledge the shock: Discovering a family secret through DNA can be a significant emotional event. Allow yourself time to process your feelings – confusion, anger, sadness, excitement, or a mix of everything.
• Understand your motivations: Why do you want to share this secret? Are you seeking connection, closure, or simply a desire for truth? Understanding your motivations will help guide your communication.
• Consider the potential impact: Think about how the revelation might affect others involved. Could it cause pain, confusion, or disrupt existing relationships?
  

2. Gather Information and Context:

• Verify the information: DNA tests are generally accurate, but it's wise to explore any potential ambiguities. Consider additional testing if necessary.
• Research the history: If possible, try to understand the circumstances surrounding the secret. This context can be valuable when sharing the information.
• Respect privacy: Be mindful of the privacy of living individuals. Avoid sharing sensitive information without their consent.

3. Choose the Right Time and Place:

• Timing is crucial: Avoid sharing the secret during stressful or emotionally charged times in the lives of those involved.
• Consider the setting: Choose a private and comfortable environment where you can have an open and honest conversation without distractions.
• One-on-one is often best: Initial conversations are usually best conducted individually, allowing each person to process the information at their own pace.

4. Approach the Conversation with Empathy:

• Start gently: Avoid accusatory or judgmental language. Begin by explaining how you discovered the information and emphasizing that you're sharing it out of respect and honesty.
• Be prepared for a range of reactions: People may react with shock, disbelief, anger, sadness, or acceptance. Try to be understanding and patient.
• Listen more than you speak: Give the other person space to process the information and express their feelings. Avoid interrupting or becoming defensive.
• Acknowledge their emotions: Validate their feelings by saying things like, "I understand this is a lot to take in," or "I can see that you're feeling upset."
• Avoid making assumptions: Don't assume you know how someone will react or what their experiences have been.
• Offer support: Let them know you're there for them and offer to answer any questions they may have.

5. Respect Boundaries and Choices:

• They have the right to their own process: Some people may need time to process the information, while others may choose not to engage with it at all. Respect their choices.
• Avoid pushing for a specific reaction: Don't try to dictate how someone should feel or what they should do with the information.
• Confidentiality is key: Respect the privacy of others involved and avoid sharing the secret with anyone else without their permission.

6. Offer Resources and Support:

• Genetic counseling: Suggest genetic counseling if the secret involves medical implications.
• Therapy or support groups: Offer resources for therapy or support groups if the revelation is emotionally challenging.
• Online forums: Point them toward online forums or communities where they can connect with others who have had similar experiences.

7. Be Prepared for the Unknown:

• Relationships may change: Sharing a family secret can alter existing relationships in unexpected ways.
• Not everyone will be happy: Some people may not appreciate the revelation, even if you share it with the best intentions.
• Acceptance takes time: It may take time for everyone involved to process the information and adjust to the new reality.

Do you need help with your DNA results, whether you were adopted, a NPE, or just confused?  The Adoption Angels Project on WikiTree can help you .... for free!

Share your thoughts in the comments below. Perhaps, by sharing our stories, we can help others unlock the mysteries hidden within their own families.

This week's music video is from One Republic and aptly named:  Secrets.

Have you ever stumbled upon a family secret?   Have you ever used DNA testing to uncover a family secret?  What impact did it have on your understanding of your family history? 

#52Ancestors was started by another WikiTreer, blogger, and professional genealogist, Amy Johnson Crow. Check out her Generations Cafe Facebook group